Some of you never got to see me pregnant, experience me and my many neurosis, but I did write this rant for all to see....Now I will admit, most of it was embellished and actually I read about many of the symptoms as I had a relatively easy pregnancy. However, the pregnancy ladies of WTE got a kick out of it! So enjoy retroactively!Ok, so it is official, I am abolishing the word “normal” from my vocabulary until I am finished with this pregnancy. I warn you I am a little revved up and a few of these proclamations may contain TMI- I apologize in advance and I just know you ladies understand!
First of all-it IS NOT “normal” to breath fire. I’m not kidding, the ability to swallow should never be compromised because of intense heartburn.
It IS NOT “normal” for big huge purple marks to show up all over your body-I mean seriously, that is just cruel
It IS NOT “normal” to crap bricks-sorry one of those TMI
It IS NOT “normal” to cry one minute, laugh the next, cry, laugh, scream, throw things, and generally have absolutely no control over your emotions at all.
It IS NOT “normal” to sleep 2 hours a night and expect to not to do all the above daily…and telling me it is natures way to get me “prepared” for motherhood is BS….I say thanks but no thanks.
It IS NOT “normal” to pee in your pants every time you laugh, sneeze, cough, stand up, sit down, turn around, etc….
It IS NOT “normal” to spend the majority of your day in and out of the bathroom…I don’t care if your bathroom is the Taj Mahal…it is not a place I want to call home…
It IS NOT “normal” to carry around what sometimes feels like a 30 pound cement block attached to your stomach, making it nearly impossible to get in and out of your car, wash your face without getting water all over the place, get the stupid Downy ball from the bottom of the washer (I gave up on this weeks ago), or have any sort of range of motion what-so-ever.
It IS NOT “normal” to have to invest in 30 pillows to take over the bed, get them arranged perfectly in order to get any kind of sleep, only to move around 30 pillows in 2 hours to get back to sleep when that arrangement falls apart and your arm/hip/leg falls asleep.My Ass IS NOT “normal”-just teasing…J
It IS NOT “normal” for your breast to swell beyond recognition and your nipples to grow to the size of dinner plates. At least we have a huge belly for them to rest on, cause otherwise who knows where they would end up! Damn gravity.
It IS NOT “normal” for your internal organs (lungs, stomach, intestines, bladder) to be used
for sweeze toys, play things, punching bags, step stools or pillows…
It IS NOT “normal” to be unable to cross your legs and end up sitting in public looking like a catcher in a baseball game…why are we forced to give up being ladylike when pregnancy is the most womanly thing we can do! See next item…
It IS NOT “normal” some of the sounds that emanate from our bodies uncontrollably…Right now, I am going to give a big shout out to the ladies in my office…how you lasted this long with me I will never know!
It IS NOT “normal” for your feet to swell up 3 times their natural size forcing you, as if you didn’t feel unattractive enough” to sweeze those elephant feet into a pair of sweaty baby blue Crocs. However, say it with me, all together now, AHHHHHHHH…
It IS NOT “normal” to lead into a room with one’s belly before they see your face, that is just embarrassing, AND a true story….they saw me coming before I rounded the corner.
It IS NOT “normal” to practically destroy shelves and/or racks of clothing in any type of store with your belly, especially when you are in no condition to be able to bend down to help clean up afterwards. Another big shout out to the girls at 7-11, that shelf of candybars had it coming.
Sex is no longer “normal”-Do I even need to go there? Anyone who tells you that “process” is normal is either lying or insane.
It IS NOT “normal” for complete strangers to come up to you and rub your belly like you are some magic Buddha. I’m not “magical” or calm so get your filthy hands off of me…
It IS NOT “normal” for people to ask a grown woman how much she weighs, how big around she is, or tell her she is about to pop. Not unless it is “normal” to answer with a big fat swollen cankle to their ribs….oh, who am I kidding, I can’t lift my leg a foot off the ground.
It IS NOT “normal” for your leg hair to grow twice as fast when you can’t shave but ½ as often. (if not less)
It IS NOT “normal” to wheeze like an 80 year old emphysema patient from simply telling a good story…you can’t tell, but I am out of breath just writing this!
Finally, It IS NOT “normal” to look at your loved one with such disdain and bitterness that you wonder why you ever got together with him to begin with…all because he brought home the wrong snack treat….I really love my husband very much and obviously kidding about this one…So, I say enough with the so-called “normalcys” of pregnancy, because let’s face it, there is nothing “normal” about being pregnant- AND I WOULD DO IT AGAIN IN A HEARTBEAT!
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